


Second Sidebar - Jesse, Interrupted

by NorthernStar



Series: Jesse's Journey [7]
Category: Diagnosis Murder
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-20
Updated: 2012-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-08 04:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthernStar/pseuds/NorthernStar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sidebars - not quite stories, yet more than just emotional sketches of the guys after all that has gone before.</p><p>An emotionally shattered Jesse returns home to his mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Sidebar - Jesse, Interrupted

**Author's Note:**

> Another “side-step.” I haven’t seen the film, from which this title is taken, although I’m familiar with the plot. It just fits. I also haven’t been to Wisconsin, all place names were derived from a world atlas so if there are mistakes, sorry! Jennifer is named for C_Jen, with lots of thanks!

** Michigan ** ** ,  ** ** 31st March 1998 **

The room was crowded and the press of people felt claustrophobic to Jesse.He grit his teeth and relied on a large helping of Jack Daniel’s to get him through.He wanted to do this for Julia.He wanted to pay his respects and say a goodbye to one of the loveliest women he had the privilege to know.

And he wanted the opportunity to apologise to her family.

The  Tyler ’s, though, kept mainly to the fringes, thanking Julia’s acquaintances for coming.Close family and friends would come later, and in private.

During the long wake, Jesse found himself talking to many of Julia’s friends, some mutual, some not.He saw the shock on their faces when they heard it was his home that Julia had died in.Most of them shuffled uncomfortably and said awkward sorrys, the rest just looked embarrassed.

Sometime around six, the guests began to thin out and Jesse offered to stay and help clean up.Julia’s mother, Rose, accepted gratefully.“You were always such a nice boy, Jesse.”She told him and he wondered if she’d say that if she knew he was the one who got her daughter killed.

They talked as they worked, mainly about Jennifer starting college and her hopes to be a nurse just like her sister and mother.When he did broach the subject of Jule, Rose stopped, put down the plates she was clearing and faced him.

“I wanted to thank you.”She said sincerely.

Jesse frowned.“You shouldn’t.”

“Jule called me ever night, from your house, and she said you insisted so I wouldn’t worry.You brought her home to us, after… “She paused.“You looked after my girl for me Jesse.”

He couldn’t help the smile that rose up at the thought of what Jule’s reaction would be if she’d heard her mother say that.Then it faded.“I just wish I hadn’t asked her to stay.”

Sad understanding filled her eyes.“It’s easy to say that now.I wish I’d made her stay here, but she made her own choices, Jesse, and she deserved to have us respect them.” 

It was getting late when Jesse finally left.Jennifer offered to walk him to his car, and Jesse was glad of finally getting the chance to talk to her.

“Jule would be proud today.”He told her.

The young woman smiled, looking so like her sister it was unsettling.“I doubt that.She would’ve said we wasted a great chance to party.”

“That was Jule.”

She sighed, “ _was_ … I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.”

“No.”

“I’m glad you came, Jesse.I know we didn’t always get along, but Jule… and mom adores you.”

“Wild horses wouldn’t have kept me away.”

“Well, thank you anyway.”She replied.“It helped Mom to have you here.”

Jesse opened his car door and threw his jacket in the back.“I’m gonna be in  Chicago for a few weeks.Call me if you need to.”

“At your mom’s?”

“Yeah.After I leave here.”He dug into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper.“This is the hotel I’m staying in until the 2nd.”

She nodded.“Bye, Jesse.”

******

** Michigan ** ** ,  ** ** 2nd April 1998 **

Jesse was packing when someone knocked on the hotel room door.He pressed his last pair of jeans into the suitcase before he went to answer it.

Jennifer smiled brightly despite the dark circles under her eyes.He didn’t need to be a psychic to know that she wasn’t sleeping well, or coping.

“Jen!”He said, and was surprised to find his delight genuine.“Come in.”

“Come out.”She held up a basket.“Picnic?”

Jesse smiled; packing was good, food was better.

*******

The park was just as lovely as the last time Jesse had gone there, which must have been over seven years ago, with Jule and a surly, sulking child.The very child who was with him now, who had grown up to look just like her sister and if Jesse closed his eyes, he could almost fool himself into thinking it was that day again.Him and Jule…

Jennifer led him to a shady spot by the trees and lay out a blanket.They talked while they eat, about Jennifer’s studies and the changes in the city, then moved onto Jule’s passing, until the subject became too painful and a long silence fell.

“Jesse,” Jen said eventually.“Was she happy?”

Jesse nodded.“She loved the beach.”

“I hated that she left,” she admitted.“Hated even more that she was staying with you.Again.”

“You had good reason.”

“Jealousy isn’t a good reason.”

“She was killed because she was staying with me.”

The girl at his side shivered.“That’s not how the police tell it.”She frowned.“Were they wrong?They said someone kidnapped you and blew up your home.The guy never realised there were people inside.”

Jesse felt a shudder run through him at the mention of Devetti.

Jennifer didn’t seem to notice his stillness.She got up, putting space between them.“I don’t know, maybe I should hate you.”

A smile crept out.“You did once…”

She chuckled.“Yeah, I remember.I was just a kid, you took my sister away from me.”

“Became a habit.”

Her smile vanished.“Don’t say that!”

“Sorry.”Jesse stood up, walked to her side.“Jen, she never loved me, or anyone else as much as you.She was so proud of you.”

“I know…” she sat back at his side.“But you brought out the best in her.You always did.I was always…dragging her down.That’s why she moved out of  Chicago .”

“No it wasn’t!Don’t think that.”He took her hand.“She missed you like crazy.”

“Oh Jesse I miss her!”She wept, “I miss her so, so much…”

He pulled her into his arms and found himself crying with her.

******

** Chicago ** **.Three days later… **

Jesse unpacked.He put his suitcase away in the bottom of the closet, and arranged his toiletries in his bathroom.When he’d finished, he all but fell onto the bed and was asleep almost straight away.

When he woke, it was morning.

His mother made him breakfast and offered seconds. He turned her down and she fussed with his hair, looking worried despite her smile and gave him a quick hug.

“I’m glad you’re home.”She said and immediately took flight before he could respond to her sentiment.

That was the moment he really knew he was home.

*******

#  I love you…

Jule smiled.Light shone behind the young woman, casting her into shadow.She held something out to him. _It’s a secret…_

_ I love you…. _

In the palm of her hand was a tiny embryo.Jesse reached out to touch it and the small life erupted into flame.

#  I love you…

The fire exploded outward, like a backdraft, consuming Julia’s body.The woman’s eyes met his, even as the flames licked and tore at her.

_ I love you… _ The touch of male lips upon his own.

Steve’s face shimmered on the fire, which began to dim and fade away.

_ Deviant! Deviant! Deviant! _

Jesse woke up gasping; the image of Devetti’s face still emblazoned across his mind’s eye.His heart pounded in his chest, gradually slowing as he brought his ragged breathing under control.

With a groan, he rolled out of bed to splash water on his face.When he came back out of the bathroom, he saw his mother standing in his bedroom doorway, looking concerned and upset.

He waited for the inevitable questions, wondering how the hell he would answer, but knowing that if she asked, he would.

Even though he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

“Did you…um, do you want pancakes or bagels for breakfast?”

He could have kissed her in relief.“Whatever you’re having.”He said.“I’ll be OK.”

*****

** 8th April 1998 **

Jesse lounged in the garden, soaking up the rays while his thoughts idled on his life.It was nice to sit in the sun, in the peace of his mother’s garden, in his home and look at the bigger picture.

He was suffering nightmares almost every night, waking in a sweat and he knew his mother had heard him on several occasions.He caught her looking at him sometimes, her eyes full of concern.But she never asked him what was wrong, waiting for him to tell her, knowing that he would when he was ready.He was grateful for that.

But if the nights were restless, then the days were restful.Home was the place you felt you belonged, where you fit, where the role you played was comfortable because you’d been playing it since the day you were born.

As peaceful as he was, Jesse was still relieved to hear the doorbell chime.His old friends and his mother’s had lead a steady stream through the house since he’d come home and it was almost therapeutic to tell them about his work, his friends, the police investigations, Steve…with people who didn’t know them or know the undercurrents at play there.

He opened the door to a tall man who looked familiar.

“Jesse…?”He said.

And at that, with a wave of paralysing shock, he recognised him.His voice hadn’t changed in all the years even if the rest of him had.

It was Mickey.

“Hi, I was…”

Jesse glared.“I have nothing to say to you, excuse me.” 

And he shut the door as quickly as was dignified.

*******

Mickey’s reappearance had unsettled him and the garden lounging was ruined.He scribbled his mom a note and went for a walk.His feet took him along the familiar avenues and into town almost unconsciously as his thoughts churned over and over.

The place had changed so much in the years he’d been away - the houses, the streets, the shops…the people.

Mickey too?

He shook the thought from his head and tried to concentrate on something else.Nothing came to mind but Steve.And he wasn’t ready to face that yet.

Or was he?

He missed Steve, but then he missed Mark too, and Amanda and LA.

But most of all he missed Jule.

A metallic screech rang out.

THUD!

Jesse spun about, caught a glimpse of a woman’s body rolling along the road.Incoherent screaming filled the air around him as he broke into a run, his thoughts vanishing.

Jesse reached the bleeding lump at the same moment as another man.“I’m a doctor!”He yelled and the man’s hands froze before he touched the body.

Jesse checked the injured woman, heard the gurgle in her throat and knew he had to act fast.

“Call 911!”He yelled at the man beside him, before turning his attention back to the woman.“It’s OK.”He told her and began searching his pockets for anything that he could use as a chest drain, a pen or a straw, if it became nessicary.“Shallow breaths!” 

Then he looked up at the man, who was still staring in horror at the bleeding girl.“Call an ambulance!NOW!”

******

Jesse got home a little past  midnight ; his shirt stained with the woman’s blood.His mother was waiting up for him in the kitchen, nursing a cup of cocoa.She made him a cup as well as he told her why he was late, and splattered with blood.

As soon as he’d finished the warm sweet drink, Jesse wanted nothing more than to drop off to sleep, even if that was sitting up, at the table, in someone else’s haemoglobin.

But he forced himself to his feet and started towards his bedroom.

“Jess?”

He turned.

“I almost forgot, I saw Michael, Mickey, earlier.He asked how you were doing and I told him to come round.Did you see him?”

Jesse was too tired to feel anything.“Yeah…” 

******

The days passed surprisingly quickly.Jesse did some shopping, with friends and on one disastrous occasion, his mother.He visited friends and a whole gamut of relatives.Jen called on the phone almost every day and it was almost like talking with Jule again.Her presence helped ease the gaping hole Julia had left behind.

But every night he either woke in the grip of dreams, or his thoughts kept him from sleep all together.

In the third week, lazing in the garden with a book began to lose its novelty and the constant chatter of his relatives was starting to remind him just why he’d moved to LA and very rarely visited back.

His mother had made the occasional attempt to get him to talk.He always smiled, kissed her and told her they’d eat out, his treat.She’d smile in return and didn’t push.

*******

** 22nd April 1998 **

It was sometime after dawn when Jesse walked a wobbly Jennifer up the path to his house.It had been a fantastic night, just laughing and dancing and drinking.Jesse hadn’t felt this good in so very long.

They had spent the night trawling  Chicago ’s many Blues bars in honour of Julia Tyler.They’d got drunk _in_ her name, so drunk they’d turned melancholy _over_ her name, sobered up in a wash of tears, and finally gone for a long walk along the shores of  Lake Michigan .

As they strolled, they talked about the time Julia had ‘borrowed’ her father’s boat and they’d all gone swimming here.Jennifer remembered how she’d lost her necklace in the water and Jesse had brought her a plastic one to replace it when they had returned to shore.

“I still have it.”She had told him. “My first present from a boy.”

He had blushed at that, “I just wanted to shut you up.You were howling so loud they probably heard you in  New Mexico .”

When dawn approached, they’d taken the monorail back into town, got drunk all over again and finally laughed until there wasn’t much left inside them.

Jesse liked getting to know her.Jennifer had matured into the kind of woman her sister would have been proud of, and Jesse was glad to call her friend.

Inside the house, the pair collapsed onto the sofa and cuddled up.A long time passed until Jen broke the silence.

“When are you leaving?”She asked.

Jesse tensed.“Soon, I think.”

“How long is soon?”

He thought a moment, then shook his head.

She faced him.“Jesse, what is it?What happened with you and Jule?”

“Nothing.We were friends.”

“Then…Jesse, why do you…” She took a breath, probably seeing the unspoken warning in his eyes telling her not to go there.“I just feel like there’s more.”

Jesse relaxed and thought back, seeing Julia’s face and hearing her voice in his head.In the image, she was sitting at his side, as close as Jen was now, maybe closer.She held a plastic pregnancy test kit in between long fingers and they watched a little blue line appear.He had held her while she cried over her stupidity.He had promised to be there.He had promised so many things.

And now it was all gone.

Everything.

His home, his life, his work, his…love…?

He met Jen’s eyes and realised that if there hadn’t been so much alcohol in his system preventing him, he’d probably do something entirely stupid and regrettable at this point.

He would be grateful in the morning.

*******

Jesse rose about  noon the following day with a hangover to end all hangovers and found his mother and a bright, breezy Jennifer sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee.

His ears burnt like hell and it wasn’t the sun.

They shut up as soon as they saw him, which confirmed his suspicions.

He helped himself to a cup of coffee and some aspirin before joining them at the table.His mother smiled and spoke a little louder than was nessicary.

“Your friend, Mark is it?”

Jesse went to agree, winced at the ache in his head and his mother mercifully lowered her voice.

“He called here this morning.I think everyone was expecting you back this week.”

Jesse swallowed the tablets.“I cleared a couple of extra weeks with the hospital.”

“That’s what he said.”Her tone clearly added, _but you didn’t tell me._ “He sounded surprised you didn’t phone him to tell him in person.”

Jesse had meant too, but he hadn’t known what to say.Mark knew more than anyone what had happened to Jesse.And he had also spent a lot of time around Jule and Jesse knew the older man was grieving for her too.

His mother frowned.“Jess, he was worried about you.”

He was aware of Jen watching him, curious.

“I’ll call him.”He said, and looked at Julia’s younger doppelganger.“After I drive Jen home.”He turned to his mother.“Can I borrow your car?”

A smile appeared on her face.“Now there’s something I haven’t heard in a long time.”She laughed, but held the keys out to the woman at her side.“But Jen’s driving.”

********

** 24th April 1998 **

Jesse’s mother sat down beside him on the veranda.She had been quiet all day, and he knew that meant she was searching for the right way to say something.

He guessed she’d finally found it.

“Jess, I saw Michael yesterday.He asked me how you were doing.”

Jesse’s shoulders tensed but she continued.

“I asked him why I hadn’t seen him around and he said you didn’t want to see him. He even asked me to apologise to you for him.”She lay an arm around him.“I know you guys had fights when you were kids but-”

“Mom, it wasn’t a fight.He made my life hell.”

She paused, not knowing quite how to respond.“You…never told me that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now.”

“That’s what he meant when he said he was sorry?”

Jesse didn’t answer.

“I don’t think he was lying, Jess.He’s sincere.Maybe you should listen to what he’s got to say.”

“Why?”He said angrily.“What could he possibly have to say that I want to hear?”

“What about sorry?”

He stood up.“It’s too little, too late.”He said, and walked away.

“Jesse!”

He stopped.

“I have his address. Mason Avenue , twenty-one oh four.”She held out her car keys.“Just think about it.”

He thought for a long moment, then reached out his open hand.

******

It was getting late when Jesse pulled up outside a small, neat house in a quiet neighbourhood on the other side of  Chicago .His initial nervousness and bitter feelings had worn away and he found a strange, almost alien sense of resolve building inside him.

He walked up the garden path with a purpose and his knock on the door was strong and bold.He pulled himself up to his full, if short, height when someone answered and he found himself facing a man around his age, with a long fringe of ash blonde hair hiding delicate features.

The man smiled.“Can I help you?”

Stunned at his beauty, Jesse blushed.“I…I, um, I think I have the wrong house.”

“Who’s are you looking for?”

“Jensen, Mick-Michael Jensen.”

He grinned.“Come in.Mike’s upstairs.”He said, stepping back to let Jesse enter.The man called up the stairs, got a ‘just a minute’ response before he led Jesse into the lounge.

A large scruffy dog sniffed at Jesse’s feet and got shoo-ed away.

“I’m Tad, by the way.”The gorgeous young man said holding out his hand.

Jesse took it.“Jesse Travis.”

Tad’s eyes all but twinkled.“ _The_ Jesse.”

Before he could ask what he meant, Mickey walked in.Or was that Michael?Or Mike?Did the name make a difference?

“Jesse!”Mickey said, “sit down.Did you want tea?Coffee?”

Now his old ‘friend’ had his wish to talk it seemed he didn’t know what to do.

“I’m fine.”He said sitting.

Tad made lame excuses and left them alone.They sat in silence until Mickey managed to find an opener.

“I…er…I heard you’re a doctor now.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m-I’m in the medical field too.”He said.“I’m a psychologist.”

Jesse chuckled, humourlessly.

Mickey looked down.“I guess it’s…made me aware of what I did to you.Back in school.”He paused.“I think I understand-”

“No you don’t.”Jesse snapped.“You made me hate everything I was.Can you understand that?Can you understand the sight of you makes me sick?”

Mickey looked down. “You think this is easy for me?You think I wanna do this?That I’m gonna get some perverse pleasure out of it?”He demanded.“’Cause I’m not.I can think of about a thousand other things I’d rather be doing.But I want to…apologise, explain…” he paused.“Please?”

Jesse balled his hands into fists.“You’ve got five minutes.”

He was silent for a moment then looked squarely at Jesse.“I’m sorry.”He said.

“Is that what you want?Absolution?So I can say it doesn’t matter?Well it does matter.It mattered every single day I went to school terrified to my stomach what would happen.”

“I know you can’t forgive me, I’m not asking for that.I just-” He stopped, looked away.“I want you to know… _why_ …” he took a moment to gather his thoughts, maybe even his courage.“I loved you, Jesse.And I couldn’t handle it.”

An ugly sickness spread through Jesse’s belly.“That’s supposed to make it alright?”

“No, no, I’m not saying that.I…I only want to explain.”

Jesse stood up, desperate to put distance between them.“Fine, you’ve explained.Now I’m leaving.”

Mickey sighed, nodding.“OK…I’ll walk you out.”He paused.“I’m…er…I’m glad you met Tad.I talk about you sometimes and he wanted to see you.”He smiled fondly.

Recognition washed over him.“Tad’s your…”

“Partner?Yes.Nearly five years now.”Then light dawned on his face too.“You didn’t know?”

“No.”

“Yeah, I…” he shrugged.“I guess that’s why I wanna apologise so much.After I came out, I got a lot of shit from people I thought were friends.I realised what I put you through.”He looked honestly at Jesse.“I wanted to stop it…the-the bullying.I didn’t know it would go that far.I was just so scared of what they’d do to me.”

“You were a coward.”Jesse said bitterly.

Mickey nodded.“I thought if they believed you were the gay one they would leave me alone.”His voice was laced with a tint of self-hatred.“I was right.”

Jesse walked out of the door, turning on the step.He looked his former friend, his former tormentor in the eye and felt nothing.Not friendship, not fear, nor hate.

“I’m not gay.”He said hollowly.

“I know, Jesse.”

The doctor began walking away, hearing the door close behind him and feeling another close in his heart and mind.A final chapter laid to rest.

******

When Jesse got home he dropped onto his bed, still dressed and stared up at the ceiling.It had been so long since he’d felt normal, ordinary.

He was so tired.

Jesse turned onto his side and fell asleep.For the first time in what felt like forever, he didn’t dream.

*****

In the morning, Jesse scooped together his few belongings and packed them back into his suitcase.He wasn’t ready to leave yet, but he wanted to be prepared for when he was.

He made breakfast for himself and his mother, just like he had in the days when it had just been the two of them.

They talked and laughed together while they ate.When Jesse was finished he put his fork down and met his mother’s eyes.

“Mom, I’ve got some stuff I want to tell you….”

~~END~~


End file.
